I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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