I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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