Just fell off a train. Bad.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
