I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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