I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
