the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
