If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
