Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
