Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
