i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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