oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
