My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
