Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
