And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
