Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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