I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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