mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
