Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
