Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
