The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
no you cant smoke seaweed
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
