Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My balls are so social today.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
