my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
