life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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