Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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