He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
