i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
