she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
