My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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