You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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