So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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