Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
