Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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