I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
