Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
