My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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