my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
