you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
