I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
