he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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