She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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