I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
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Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
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I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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