Will you blow on my dice?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
