but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
