My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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