i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
