How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
