I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
