Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
