theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
