FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
