im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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