Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
