Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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