Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
