she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
