He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
