One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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