Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
