How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
