saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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