I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
