plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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